aint that enought?!

before i let u do without even asking, u have taken the risk, but this time it may cost you much, what for ?? .
u r such a selfesh even with yourself, u can do manythings else but now you are blinded...., i do not know whats wronge with you why sometimes you just disable logic, thinking .
its so close ,its badly risky, before it was calculated this time no , u know i.m right , i know that even that u are sure that im right u will do ,i cant help u any more, you will learn the hard way this time may be harder than you think, i wish that something from heaven will stop you before

i hope you wiiill understand my talk
(rbena yehdeke)


OH

elbt3 g fbo2o

10 years ago it was a start, an opening, a first try for a boy who wanted to try everything , that day i was walking with 2 friends , one seen a "sigarra" on the  ground  , he picked it up , he staired at it ,we all known that he wanted to try it, we actually did not mind if he tried it but he said that he will not try it without us , i accepted mai thought for a minute then she accepted , we got matchs and some baskoot and lightned it up aly took the first nafas silently he gave it to me , i took my nafas , its tast disgusted me it was so bad i took another nafas then i decided to stop and eat elbaskoot , mai did the same but with a little feminin touch ,if anyone known i have done that specially that age he would even kill me if he can or say that i'm very bayez w hadee3 after 3 month , for few days i didn't stop thinking why older people smokes ? i know know that it is not the taste or the pleasure , so why?? is it something i cant understand now?! ,so i left the question opened , some day i will know ,
nice t, after i tried el sagayer i was was sitting with my dad at a cafe he was smoking shesha i asked him why are you smoking it it have a bad taste, it seemed as child slip , he asked me if i tried el sagayer ??  i said yes he smiled while he was listening  , then he gave me shesha and he said try it if u want, i said no .
that was the good side of what i have done , the other good side that from that day i'm addicted to "trying", as usual most of what seduces anyone to try is bad , but there was some rules like ,any thing i try today well not affect me tomorrow , not being a slave to anything... so i decided to try everything comes to my mind but under my rules , so i tried some stuff.. , (law mamy areet elbeta3 d hat3mele 3eed melad)


f2ola sanawy most of my friends started smoking, i asked everyone, why? i never got an answer all was 3ade,yomeen wehbal , 3ashan bab2a ma5noo2 , ay klaam but something have a meaning , in my school it started by someone wanted to be unique to his age followed by other wanted to be unique like the first, eventually all the school became unique, i tied to get people i love from this "uniqueness" i tried everything talking , eldarb , and many other ways ,i got nothing some of them was just hiding there sigaret when they see me, as if they can change any thing in the world except that ,they cant even think about changing it ,

i just didn't want to see them like my father who is a typical slave to siggarets every month he tries to quit but he always fails he had a galta in his heart and had a heart sergery , docters said the  first and most important thing to do is to quit segarets , he quited for a month then he retarned back , he is litterly killing him self, i know few persons who succeded in quiting it , but the question i s why???? from the first place does elsegara deseve all that . everystarted it few years ago said that " segara kool feen w feen w 2a2dar abtaal f 2y wa2t" now they cant , what will they do after 5 years , 10 years , 30 years, everyday they have a better chance to quit than the next day , my father wishes to retairn  to there age to quit cause it will be a 1000 time easyer,

people who smoke sigarets at first they say just like me its under control,few month may be few years they don't control it any more, it controls them , they become slaves to a little nothing , we must not let any probability to be a slave to anything ,
people i know are like that long time ago,
(rabena y3enkoo wetbtloo)
new people i lately knew , ye7yo7a started smoking lately , and cause i know that he is smart and mature , i woundered ??,
and cause i care about him i decided that he will not continue, so i tryed talking, 3afya, till once howa tal3 segara and started smoking it, i tried to stop him but he 2fsh, i dicided to, whenever he smokes i will smoke with him and if he cares for me like i do for him, he may stop. so i took the segaret from him and smoked it , i seen in his eyes that( dont care) look , so i knew that i cant change his (whatever), but ye7ya zaki and he will grow up quickly.

when i first seen nirvana smokes i was shocked, i seen girls doing much worse than that but i never been shocked, cause with few people i expect the good first, at first i didn't observe nirvana , but lately i noticed that she is something..
for people i love if you cant get out of your slaveness, dont make me see you in that pathetic situation, please ..
OH

Go

mind infected.

Etfarag ya 3am

• today i read what i wrote yesterday and the day before ? guess what! .. i found contradiction already , one day and i found contradiction, i knew that im changing every day but i never had a physical proof , that is one of my purposes of writing,
• this days i am getting closer to choose my major , im leasning to a book named "rich dad poor dad" it doesnt affect directly my choice but it may makes me think more clearly , and ya7yo7a leasned to part of it with me and he came up with a good idea for him self , parts of it may be good for me , thanks ya7yo7a . everyday i have greater ideas than the day before and that is the beauty of life for me
• some people think its hard to know people , i will not argue that ,but my friends easly know me
• before my exams b 5 teyam et-hawast be2rayet kotob kafra :), lazeem aw2f now
• what else could be affecting my happiness or energy ?
• ------- may be sports? dafently yes
• --------maybe knowlege? the answer isnt simple , but it affects.
• --------always to be cont.
• if someone had suggestions of what could be the maybees tell me..
• 3 teyam wana bakteeb 3altawalee shewaya keda w haseeb el blog d ftra

Day 2

years ago i was thinking to write,
i wanted to write my every day thoughts and feelings cause i know that its extremely useful ,at least when i grow old an have a son of my age i will be capable of knowing how he thinks and to be closer to do the right thing, another reason not to forget what i have learned, i knew that there is many reasons to write some i know but i cant express and many i do not know, but i never found a safe secret place to write and that is why i stopped writing all this years, why that stopped me ? fear , that's the right word to describe the hole thing , fear of being exposed , fear of being over known, fear that if if somebody know what i am and how i think he may use it against me , fear to be an easy target , fear of being blamed for how i think , even until orayeb i had that fear , but after some changes in my life and my way of thinking , i though again "why i didnt write until now ? fear?? what the fuck! fear of what ?!i asked my self wondering , how i was that weak??,,,

fear of being know ? i do not know my self and when i reach that point of knowing myself that will push me to develop myself and the same with other people , lately i found that i'm always over estimating some people and under estimating my self even thought i believe in me ,i believe that i have no bounders i believe that i'm smarter than i think i am , but i don't know why i'm under estimating my self ?! maybe because i don't know myself , am i crazy ? or i'm trying to be crazy?

fear of knowing how i think and what i do and who i am, and to be used against me?! mesh harood 3ala nafse, bas hakteeb mesh harood 3ala nafsee lee 3ashan lama 2ara ba3d keda 23raf kont bafakr ezay ,, are u crazy are u 3abeeet?! , how u was thinking like that , was u thinking that u r that weak ?! if u was thinking like that then u was weak . i never thought so but i finally found out that u was weak , ana 3ereft enek weak ba2a and i will use it against u (y weak y weak :P) e el3abat elle ba3melo d :) , ezay knt 3abeet keda , 3a3omom i dont need to continue that descussion with u cause u already know u was wronge , 3abeet , weak , many things else

fear of being blamed for what i did and how i think and any other blame? la2 mesh harood 3ala nafse 5alees ba2a

thats enought ta5alof for today, ana etfa2a3t men nafse, ana keda has2at :),

a sa7e7 embare7 i had a strange dream i usually have strange ones but not this way elmohem eman eldeeb sa7beet y regala bal bal :) , mesh 3aref lee 3a2lee elbaten karar eno yefakr f keda , ma3 en de haga mesh feldema3'e , aslan eman eldeeb beteb2a a3da f 2a3deet regala ragel mesh belma3na el7arfee bas d betre2a ma 5alane mafkrsh f keda ,,a5ta2t elta3beer fel7eta elle fatet de , heya mow7eylna b keda w 5alaas , bas lao kont fakrt f keda ma3tekdsh kanet hateb2a fekra latefa, ka2anaya menne ya3ne , bas elle 7asal enne fere7t :) w kool elle kont 3ayz a3melo enne 3yeez a3araaf elwaad , mesh 3aref e elhem el 3'areeb d bas rabena yerzo2eek ebn el7laal y eman y deeb :) , ba3deen akeed zamanek tayra meen elfarha enek weselte l martabeet eneek tegele fel helm

esa3a 9pm kefaya keda enharda haro7 abda2 mozakra ba2a :)