years ago i was thinking to write,
i wanted to write my every day thoughts and feelings cause i know that its extremely useful ,at least when i grow old an have a son of my age i will be capable of knowing how he thinks and to be closer to do the right thing, another reason not to forget what i have learned, i knew that there is many reasons to write some i know but i cant express and many i do not know, but i never found a safe secret place to write and that is why i stopped writing all this years, why that stopped me ? fear , that's the right word to describe the hole thing , fear of being exposed , fear of being over known, fear that if if somebody know what i am and how i think he may use it against me , fear to be an easy target , fear of being blamed for how i think , even until orayeb i had that fear , but after some changes in my life and my way of thinking , i though again "why i didnt write until now ? fear?? what the fuck! fear of what ?!i asked my self wondering , how i was that weak??,,,
i wanted to write my every day thoughts and feelings cause i know that its extremely useful ,at least when i grow old an have a son of my age i will be capable of knowing how he thinks and to be closer to do the right thing, another reason not to forget what i have learned, i knew that there is many reasons to write some i know but i cant express and many i do not know, but i never found a safe secret place to write and that is why i stopped writing all this years, why that stopped me ? fear , that's the right word to describe the hole thing , fear of being exposed , fear of being over known, fear that if if somebody know what i am and how i think he may use it against me , fear to be an easy target , fear of being blamed for how i think , even until orayeb i had that fear , but after some changes in my life and my way of thinking , i though again "why i didnt write until now ? fear?? what the fuck! fear of what ?!i asked my self wondering , how i was that weak??,,,
fear of being know ? i do not know my self and when i reach that point of knowing myself that will push me to develop myself and the same with other people , lately i found that i'm always over estimating some people and under estimating my self even thought i believe in me ,i believe that i have no bounders i believe that i'm smarter than i think i am , but i don't know why i'm under estimating my self ?! maybe because i don't know myself , am i crazy ? or i'm trying to be crazy?
fear of knowing how i think and what i do and who i am, and to be used against me?! mesh harood 3ala nafse, bas hakteeb mesh harood 3ala nafsee lee 3ashan lama 2ara ba3d keda 23raf kont bafakr ezay ,, are u crazy are u 3abeeet?! , how u was thinking like that , was u thinking that u r that weak ?! if u was thinking like that then u was weak . i never thought so but i finally found out that u was weak , ana 3ereft enek weak ba2a and i will use it against u (y weak y weak :P) e el3abat elle ba3melo d :) , ezay knt 3abeet keda , 3a3omom i dont need to continue that descussion with u cause u already know u was wronge , 3abeet , weak , many things else
fear of being blamed for what i did and how i think and any other blame? la2 mesh harood 3ala nafse 5alees ba2a
thats enought ta5alof for today, ana etfa2a3t men nafse, ana keda has2at :),
a sa7e7 embare7 i had a strange dream i usually have strange ones but not this way elmohem eman eldeeb sa7beet y regala bal bal :) , mesh 3aref lee 3a2lee elbaten karar eno yefakr f keda , ma3 en de haga mesh feldema3'e , aslan eman eldeeb beteb2a a3da f 2a3deet regala ragel mesh belma3na el7arfee bas d betre2a ma 5alane mafkrsh f keda ,,a5ta2t elta3beer fel7eta elle fatet de , heya mow7eylna b keda w 5alaas , bas lao kont fakrt f keda ma3tekdsh kanet hateb2a fekra latefa, ka2anaya menne ya3ne , bas elle 7asal enne fere7t :) w kool elle kont 3ayz a3melo enne 3yeez a3araaf elwaad , mesh 3aref e elhem el 3'areeb d bas rabena yerzo2eek ebn el7laal y eman y deeb :) , ba3deen akeed zamanek tayra meen elfarha enek weselte l martabeet eneek tegele fel helm
esa3a 9pm kefaya keda enharda haro7 abda2 mozakra ba2a :)
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